Mr Porteous joined BRGS in 2012 as headteacher. He is husband to Mrs Porteous and since joining has indeed left quite an impression. He has done this through many ways the most significant being known as the headteacher who added all the extensions. No one is really sure why he has added all these extensions in his reign as there are other things the money could be spent on, but then again, who doesn't appreciate having 7 different ways to walk from the Clark Building to the English block.
He likes to call SLT meetings Viper Meetings especially when matters like covid-19 arise and things get serious, as a play on the government COBR (cobra) Meetings. He and Mrs P win the three-legged race pretty much every single year. His office is also Room 19.
During the 2019 Belgium trip, Mr Porteous rescued a tomato stress ball that rolled to the front of the coach. He himself described it as "Mr Porteous and the Great Tomato Rescue" and said "it could be a really massive thing". In addition to this, he also said "a complete illustrated children's book is all I'm after."
In fact, the story is growing so much that multiple TV channels have asked for television rights and there is now a large fan base demanding more media.
JK Rowling and a number of other authors have also expressed interest in writing a novel about The Great Tomato Rescue, and Tim Burton has asked for rights to make a film although Mr Porteous turned down the offer believing it would be too dark for the vibe he wanted to go for.
Not only is Mr Porteous a saviour amongst tomatoes, he is also a keen dancer. His most famous dances will be remembered by many students as they were seen on the 2020 Yr 11 Leavers' tik tok video, The Headmaster's Office Youtube Video, and the unforgettable '19 Christmas assembly. He has also been seen partaking in a jiving lesson from some Year 10s (now 11s), dancing along with students to Cotton Eye Joe, being taught a 'wiggle dance', and the infamous Christmas assemblies. He is also very good at tai chi, and has been seen busting a few moves such as the “carry the tiger to the mountain” (according to a tai chi website) whilst wandering both around school and the turning circle.
Not only this but Mr P can even sing One Man Went To Mow in Swahili - 30 years later after learning it in school (source: Mrs Porteous, we are yet to hear this rendition for ourselves)
Mr Porteous is often to be found doing a brisk walk along corridors, stopping for nothing other than to tell students to tuck in their shirts or walk on the left hand side of the corridor, looking unsure and panicked about where is heading. It is unknown how long Mr Porteous has been wandering the school buildings, unable to find the exit.
This absent-mindedness is a classic trait of Alan who is believed to have been found in the school basement having forgotten his past career as a professional dancer. The governors were quick to jump at the chance to take advantage of him and employ him as headteacher, as they were afraid of having to employ a third Mr Morris in a row.
"Going back to school in September will be ermm... interesting..."
"Ah well gambling is ok, as long as you don't do it in school."
(Repeated every significant speech to parents) "BRGS is a community not a building. If the school were to burn down tomorrow BRGS would still exist."
"Are you listening to Cotton-Eye Joe?" dances along
Some kid: I have a pencil
Mr P: (stares aggressively then smiles and pulls pen out of pocket) I have a pen.
(On trying to teach him Ms Curry's jive skills) "I think I'm better at dad-dancing."
"I've had my daily cereal."
"You know you're living life to the full if your sides hurt from laughing."
"A complete illustrated children's book is all I'm after... Mr Porteous and the Great Tomato Rescue - it could be a really massive thing."
"Do you and your friends walk around school respectfully or do you just grab a pack of 6 friends and charge through?"