Mr Vincent
From BRGS Wiki
Contents |
Biography
Mr Vincent, affectionately known as Vinnie, Skinny Vinnie, Big Vinnie, The Vinster, "Craig", or Jesus, is a Religious Studies teacher. He is known to enjoy a game of ping-pong, chess, squash volley ball, dodge ball, polo; now and again. His neck is also exactly the same width as his head and he bears more than a passing likeness to Boo Radley and Paul O'Grady. He also has a twin, he therefore wears his twins tailored suit.
Another notable occurrence in the life of Vinnie is that when travelling to Austria with his wife and daughter, Vinnie Meat had hastily packed some washing powder in a clear bag. When this showed up on the case scanner Vinnie amusingly claimed it was Cocaine. The police were not amused, detaining him immeditately. After 48 hours in quarantine, he was released pending further enquiry.
Once helped BRGS pupils to pelt Fearns students with snowballs.
The "Tom Joseph johnson Hawley Incident"
The "Tom Hawley Jones Incident" occurred on the 22nd of November 2003, during a year 10 RS lesson. It was discovered that this day was Mr Vincent's 800th birthday, and so the class sang him Happy Birthday, partly to celebrate the fact, but mainly to waste time. At the end of the song, Thomas Hawley, known to many as a rebellious pupil and general ne'er-do-well, stood up, and proceeded to give the "birthday boy" 50 hair pulls, as his own personal show of affection. Quite why he chose 50 is not known, but no-one bothered to ask him. After the 50 hair pulls (plus 1 for good luck), Master Hawley continued with 50 Birthday Digs. After 3, Mr Vincent ordered him out of the room, and Hawley asked why.
In under 3 months, Tom Hawley was asked to leave BRGS for good. Tom is now working as an assistant to a portable hot dog vendor.
Mr Vincent's "sex club"
This is to teach the class about promiscuity. It goes something like this: "If I said come to Mr. Vincent's table tennis club after school on Thursdays, it's just a bit of fun, come and play against mr Vincent I'd get lots of people coming. If However I said, come to Mr Vincent's sex club after school on Tuesdays, it's just a bit of fun, come and have sex with M. Vincent everybody would be too scared." He also discusses his sex life very often.
Allegedly, an early incarnation of the 'sex club' proposed by Mr Vincent in 2004 involved over 16s turning up and having sex after school. A suggested outlet for this was Mrs Taylor's office. This idea most likely ended at about the same time as Mrs Taylor found out about it.
He tries to demonstrate the position of the womb and felopian tube by asking a female student to stand up and then poking at her in strategic places. She got very scared and sat down very quickly after this.
Quotes
- "Your brain doesn't like to be happy!"
- "Hey presto!"
- (after long explanation managed to tell the class about how he was a virgin, scaring them half to death twice.)
- "Some things are not true. For example, you could say that I am gay, or a fairy, which are both untrue statements."
(Drawing rough sketch of the 'scale of evolution') Vincent: "So this is an ape and that's a human, and I'm not sure why I've drawn that one" (in the middle)
Student: "It's Mr Gray!"
Vincent: "OK, fair point (writes said comment on the board)"
- "Why don't I have a name like... Hunk?" (from 6th form yearbook class of 05)
- I used to have long hair, I could touch my chin with my fringe. (looks at Sean) It wasn't quite like that though.
- I listened to Kurt Cobain while he was alive, which must seem very strange to you.
- "Which of you did I hit over the head with the register last year?" *Helen raises hand* "Ah yes so it was!" *promptly hits her over the head with register*
- "So for the one amazing fact about someone you could say 'I came into school once with two odd socks on and nobody noticed'."
- (In PSHE Lesson, having drawn a very phallic map of India on the whiteboard)*Class laughter* "What? what is it" *Looks at his creation* "Oh, ah, I see. Well, try to ignore it..."
~ After becoming VERY annoyed by the rudeness of the class ~
- "I'm just waiting for someone to throw a chair at me or tell me to f**k off"
- (In R.S lesson, tries to show class how a circumcision is performed)
- Draws odd looking shape on the board*Class response..."Sir we really don't get it, please explain..."
- wraps tie around pen and pulls pen out very quickly*..."there you go!"
- Student: "He has ABSOLUTELY no control over this lesson!"
- "You see for instance, me wearing my leather thong would be an erotic turn on for my wife...but probably not for you"
- "I have no chest hair!" *Starts unbuttoning shirt.*
- "The point of Ramadan isn't to kill people."
- "Are you doing a Ronald McDonald colouring competition?"
- "He was a pastor. Anybody know what kind?"
Mike: "Bolognese!"
- Jess: "Sorry it took so long sir, I got cornered by Mrs. Blow."
"I bet that was nice for you!"
- "When Muslims go to Mecca, they all wear the same white sheet thing."
- "Has anyone got a bible with them?"
- “Jesus said that the widow had given more money. The disciples thought that there was something wrong with his maths, and Mr Wilbraham hadn’t been teaching Jesus properly.”
“Was Mr Wilbraham alive then?!”
“Well, he seems like it.”
- "Men are From Mars. Women are from Finland."
Mr Vincent: "Does anyone know the cause of world poverty?
Judd - "HARG!"
- I could get a sex change and go into cabaret...
- Let's all imagine a big green frog called Joe and call it God
- Girls i already know that most of you will fall in love with me during the course of this year but please dont show your emotions on the front of your exercise books - i know its hard, i'm very good looking.*
- Look at this table it's so lovely and smooth (hoots excitedly and strokes table in suggestive manner). Right let's move on or people will think I'm strange
- " Use your will, year 7's not your willy!" Then starts laughing at his own joke...
"Well Georgia and Mitchell shall go when the bell goes at the end of the lesson and then they shall have pleasure and I will share in their pleasure." Followed by disbelieving looks from 8S.
- While teaching Buddism: "Right year 8, close your eyes and start to meditate." Half of 8R don't close their eyes. Mr V "Don't worry, you can trust me. When you open your eyes again I won't be standing naked infront of you'
Mr Vincent, Gaige and 9N
It has been widely rumoured that Mr Vincent has fallen in love with Gaige Kinsella from 9N.
- Mr V: As you can see, I have a wedding ring on my finger... Gaige: That'll come off though sir..
- Mr V: .... so say I was to fall in love with a member of one of my classes.... Gaige: OOH! Pick me sir!
- Gaige : I love you Mr Vincent. Mr V: (blushes) what would my wife say? Gaige: don't tell her...
On discussing people's beliefs Student: I am an aethiest but I like buddhism though... V: You put a lot of blind faith into things don't you? Student 2: I am a Christian V: Very gooooooood! Mr Vincent to Hadia " Ohhh you feel so nice"
